Emotional Vomit

My dad, who is very quotable, said to me, "You put things on your blog that I don't even tell myself." What can I say? I'm inside out, and it helps me to talk or write things out. So here I go again...

Today I'm emo about a lot of things. First, Bethany had her baby! The predominant feeling about that is, of course, wild happiness! It sounds like she did a great job with a hard labor. Still waiting for pictures of Elijah, I can't wait to see him. I've been on pins and needles for a few days now and have been having sympathy contractions (I swear!) ever since she called me a few days ago to say that things were ramping up. I kept waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone and the blogs! I miss them so much. Having babies "together" has made me feel closer to them than ever and yet they are so far away :(

Here's the other thing: the ding-dang sciatica! It really, really hurts. I can barely walk these days. Yesterday, at PT, Marsha said that it seems like Spud's position (majorly favoring my left side) is pulling the right side of my pelvis off kilter. I believe it! I had that theory too. It defimitely feels like I have a pelvis out of whack. So, the twisting in my pelvis, along with the leftover damage from my dance injury, is making the pressure on my sciatic nerve worse. I did pretty well yesterday with not being too depressed and finding ways to pass the time while laying on my side or sitting on the big yoga ball. BUT, last night I had a big crash.

I generally do really well with pain, especially bone/muscle type pain, because I've been dealing with things like that for such a long time. It takes a while for it to occur to me that it's probably actually pretty bad that I can't walk! Ballet teaches you, whether it's a good skill to have or not, to push through pain as long as you're doing what you can to manage it and aren't going to further injure yourself. I did about 20 shows of the Nutcracker with a partially herniated disc and a fresh vertebral compression fracture, so it feels normal to me to deal with searing, zingy back pain. However, there's only so much I can take before it hits me that this is not normal, and I shouldn't be hurting all the time!

Last night, I was in bed reading stories from a natural birth book about women's successful drug-free, active births. I was waiting for my back to stop hurting enough for me to sleep (and I was jazzed waiting for news about Elijah and Beth). If you've been reading this blog for long, you know how excited I am about attempting a natural active birth, so the stories in the book usually get me very energized about the upsoming Spudkin arrival. I finally was too tired to read, so I got up for my first of the customary 10 billion bathroom trips. It took me about 30 seconds to get myself out of bed and another 40 or so to get to my bathroom (which is about 20 feet away). When I finally got back to bed, it occured to me that this situation is not only going to get really old if I stay this way for 5 more weeks, but it's going to be really hard to have the active birth I'm anticipating. So, that thought + pain + suddenly miserably wondering why these things always seem to happen to me led to my bursting into sobs. Poor Brendan woke up, and I preceded to really lose it.

This kind of thing really does seem to have a way of happening to me. I always get injured right before something important to me is about to happen. I know that I need to just humble myself and wait to see what God's doing with me this time. I know that whether he chooses to keep me in this pain all the way through the birth or alleviate it sooner, that it will be the right, good thing to be happening to me. I really struggle, though, with wondering why. I know this is wrong, but I get wrapped up in thinking that maybe if I would just hurry up and learn whatever lesson God may be trying to teach me that he would stop making me go through these things. I really get upset when I begin associating my current struggle with that PNB accident, and I wonder when, if ever, I'll finally be free from remembering and being forced to relive it and deal with the physical pain from it. I know that I'm too controlling. I always try to create my own laws to follow, and I imagine that if I can just do everything to my satisfaction and in my way, then I'll always be happy. This is a time for me to exercise all the things that God taught me during the Speck ordeal: Pray boldly like a little kid; trust God's love for me and goodness; wait patiently. I need prayer that I'll do those things and not fret... and that I'll stop hurting :)