It's January 25th. Because I'm just this way, days of even sometimes the most mundane personal significance stick in my memory as days to be remembered, celebrated, or even mourned. January 25th is a day for a little of all of those because it was the projected due date for little Speck, my first baby that I lost to miscarriage around June 1st of 2007.
Last year's post was decidedly anxious but not without hope and still coming across as quite mournful. While I will always feel a pang of mourning on this date for the loss of that little life, my sadness has even over the past year turned more to thankfulness and joy. Thankfulness and joy for what my God taught me during that time. As I spoke with my midwife today (who handled both of my pregnancies), she said that she feels like I've had a lot of hardship related to motherhood. I guess that is sort of true, but I really don't feel that way. I think that is because all of my experiences with Ezra, a rough labor, starving, inability to breastfeed, etc., have been experienced in the shadow, no, maybe the glow, of that first encounter with motherhood. I learned that the good that I perceive for myself is not always the same as the good that God has shaped for me to actually get. So, no matter what I get I know that (as my little 5 year old friend always says), "I get what I get, and I don't get upset." That doesn't mean that I've resorted to any sort of asceticism or a Buddhist view of not wanting so as not to be disappointed. Rather, I'm learning more all the time to want God's good more than the satisfaction of my own goals and dreams. So, it's not a lack of wanting, actually, but a very great and strong yearning to have only the very best; and only my Father in Heaven knows what that is.
These experiences give me great hope. It's like the line in Amazing Grace: "Through many dangers, toils, and snares I have already come. 'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home." A friend of mine shared with me that, really, each new challenge with your infant, then toddler, then young child, and so on is like a training wheel experience for each new thing down his or her and your road together. My greatest prayer is that this gift from God of the ability to take what he gives gratefully, painful though it may be, will be passed to and learned by Ezra and any other children I may have. I'm sure that I began learning it from my parents, especially my mother, even when I was very young.
The other piece of all this is that I'm learning the firm gentleness of God's hand. How gentle and good of him to give me a happy, vibrant, laughing, distracted boy to wrangle as I walked in the communion line at church this morning while I wondered if Speck would have been like him. All the bitterness of her loss was eradicated by the syrupy sweet taste of knowing Ezra's wriggly loving body in my arms, trying to "kiss" me as I attempted to prevent my little cup of wine from spilling.
Know that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Pr. 16:9
3 comments:
Great post. I love that you mark this day and remember what you thought was going to happen. I am thankful to God, too, for his gentleness to you and your response to him. I felt like you did at times--when people said, "wow, how hard..." my thought was, "maybe, but it's what God has for us, so there's no sense in wallowing." For some reason, that was my "natural" response. Thank goodness God saved us from depression and self pity! Anyway, love you. Thanks so much for sharing this day with us.
Jessica, I am so glad that you have great friends like Sarah who know how to empathize. I wish I could give you a hug! But isn't it pure joy to know God as the One who is always there, always understands, and knows exactly how to comfort us? For me, it's been a huge gift of His grace that He has pulled you in so close! Love you.
Love you Jessica!
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