Here is my dilemma: I have inherited the high standards and know how pleasant it is to live in a very clean, well organized home, but I did not get the genes that supply that innate ability to meet the high standard. I am not saying I don't know how to do it; I just REALLY suck at it. My mom made sure we knew how to keep things nice. 6 days of the week we labored and did all our chores. Mine were something like this:
M: clean the bathroom (toilet, bathtub, sink, fixtures, baseboards, sweep, mop, clean towels, etc.)
T: Dust living and dining room furniture
W: Vacuum everything but Mom's and Whitney's room
Th: Clean my room (change sheets, dust, vacuum, organize)
F: Sweep the garage
S: Do all your own laundry- including your own color-coded bathroom towels.
In addition to this, Whitney and I cleaned the kitchen every night which included loading the dishwasher, hand washing some stuff, cleaning the counters, table, and cleaning the sink with Comet.
Yes. I'm serious. No. I'm not exaggerating. Yes. Until the last couple years, I thought all decent families have houses this clean. No. I'm not complaining! Yes. I absolutely plan to do this with my own children just as soon as they're ready. (I remember Whitney using a step stool at the washing machine on her laundry day.)
GO MOM!
You see my dilemma, right? Do you think I'm able to get all that done each week at my house? HECK, NO! Do you think I get all that done in a month (particularly the floor cleaning...)? HECK, NO! So, I have existed in a miserable state of self-loathing for my inadequacies- especially since finishing school and being a "full-time, stay-at-home mom."
My other compromising factor is that my husband is almost NOTHING like my father, except that he is a wonderful, loving, God-loving man. But, I have to beg for Brendan to notice messes. My dad is practically programmed to make them disappear.
Brendan is often kind to mention that I don't know what my parents' house looked like when I was 2.5, and my mom never had two children under 2 at once. Still, I don't want to set myself up to expect to be able to accomplish all that my mother did when the kids are older.
2 things have helped me in my state of dilemma:
#1: Housekeeping Service
Yes. I have had "maids." Yes. That makes me feel like a spoiled white girl. Yes. I had to convince Brendan. I'm not sure what has possessed me to so publicly reveal this (not that it is a secret), but I think I just want other moms to know that it's ok! When I was 9 mos pregnant (broken foot and all!), I got to have cleaning twice a month- my baby gift from my mom and Brendan because they knew how much that would help me. By the time Ivo was a month old, I begged Brendan to let me keep having the cleaning once a month. That way, I could know that at least once a month, my home was how I want it. And. YES. Coming home after the cleaners have been here is AMAZING. It is not as expensive as you might think, and it is COMPLETELY worth it. I have never been one to spend money on stuff (clothes, jewelry...), so my spending money has been reserved for this once a month cleaning. Of course, this also implies that Brendan and I have been greatly blessed to have some spending money- a gift from God for which we are continually thankful and a little bit shocked.
BUT, I'm experiencing an inner revolution that has lead to the cancelling of the housecleaning service. Some of that is that Ivo is older and therefore sleeping well, so I have my energy back. But mostly it's due to...
#2: Life Changing Realization: It is OK
It is OK...
to not have a house as clean as my parents. They are special.
It is OK...
because no one expects that from me but me.
It is OK...
because God didn't give me that gift. He gave me other stuff, and if I spend all my time trying to clean my house to live up to this standard that only I carry, then I'm not able to use the other things.
It is OK...
because needing grace is good. If I could truly "do it all and have it all" as some brands of feminism suggest, I wouldn't need God. And I like needing God. I also would have the "right" to judge other's who don't do it all and have it all. And I don't need that... REALLY, don't need that.
Today, I looked around the house and as the freak-out session began to well up within me at the sight of my cluttered bathroom counter and toys on the living room floor, for the first time, I comfortably said to myself... "WHO CARES? Brendan? Nope. Ez and Ivo? Nope. God? I don't think so. It's just you! And do you really care? NOPE! I know I can clean that stuff up if I want to or need to. But, right now, today, it's FINE for that stuff to be out. It's not unsanitary. It's not dangerous. It's FINE!"
So, I exercised. I journaled. I cleaned the kitchen (because I DID care, and it wasn't sanitary...).
SO GOOD TO BE FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, I reserve the right to save my spending money for housecleaning every 6 mos or so just so I can know the floors are getting a good cleaning and that the grout has been scrubbed.
So, what's the ridiculous standard you can't meet or let go? It's all idolatry you know...
9 comments:
I really enjoyed reading this, it came on the right day for me.
I like organizing and find great satisfaction in cleaning and keeping things tidy but find it comes and goes with my level of energy. And at the moment, when I commiserate that I am just surviving, not much gets done. This is hard for me because I know that our family makes financial sacrifices so that I can stay home and I "should" be fulfilling my duties. This pressure does not come from Jason. In fact, he is quite light-hearted about it. The other day he commented, "I love it when your mom comes to visit because the toilet gets cleaned!"
Fortunately I was able to laugh with him about it. But, I do feel pressure to clean my entire house thoroughly every time my mom is here. It's exhausting myself with that OR she arrives and very shortly after comments on the sink and volunteers to scrub it . . . She is very neat and clean, though she did not teach me her methods as a kid, so I've had to learn and develop my own. The plus side to it all this is that my house is guaranteed to get clean every couple months.
Also, I would also like to turn my children into cleaning slaves. When the time arrives, I will contact you.
I love being clean, but I only have time to do it once a week...so the rest of the time I have to remind myself it isn't an "eternal" thing.
1. thank you for blogging again. so fun to read your thoughts since we both don't have enough time to just sit on the phone all day long.
2. i was eating a cupcake while reading this. made me miss you even more.
3. keeping a clean house is definitely my idol. since we got back from Christmas, God has really been working on taking that idol away and it's been good. hard, but good.
I am adding myself to that list you wrote of people who DON'T CARE what your house looks like. Your committing your time to your God, your husband, your children, and your church. Your heart is in a wonderful place; THAT is important. I love you!!
It's true, you don't have the clean gene. However you have some really great genes that I wish I had... Must be all from your dad, I guess. If it makes you feel any better, I'm getting sloppier by the year. Just ask Dad.
Free at last, free at last...
It's cool, you're a great mommy, wife and daughter! Don't fret over it- it's all about priorities and spending time with those sweet boys. No guilt!
Got to go color-code the clothes hangers...
POP
I love this post!
I grew up in a disastrously messy house. We were embarrassed to have our friends over and we almost never had grown up company, because it was too much work to get the house into an "acceptable" condition.
I had dreams that with a house of my own I would be organized. It hasn't happened. Caleb and I are both messy, spread out our projects, spend time together instead of clean, kinds of people. But I still had this idea of what was "acceptable" for company. Slowly, slowly, with lots of prayer and help from Caleb we are finding a good middle ground. I realized I can be happy opening my home (spur of the moment even) with much less "in place". As long as people have a clear spot to sit, something good to eat and great conversation, they will probably feel welcome and at home. (I try to also have a clean towel in the bathroom; but that only happens when I know people are coming.) :) I'm learning to live with who God made me and still be willing to be hospitable.
But, you asked what our idols are. And despite all that's above, the clean house isn't it. The houses and lives of the "professional" stay at home, clean, organized, peaceful and crafty mom bloggers are my idols. I read about their lives as an escape from my own. In fact, for Lent I've given up reading blogs by anyone I don't actually know. I think I'll continue after Lent, because it's giving me a chance to actually LIVE my own life and I've gotten a lot more done lately and enjoyed it more too.
I know just what you mean, Abby! I do that too. I don't read blogs (except a few friends), but I still compare myself to the "professionals." Who are those people anyway?
I love this post! I come from a house that was clean and tidy all of the time and so I feel the pressure to have a clean house. One thing I've noticed is since I don't really have a boss, my people-pleasing self just doesn't have motivation to clean until someone is coming over. Occassionally, I'll get fed up and will tidy up because I know I'll love coming down to a clean house in the morning. But I mostly clean because people are coming, not because it's virtuous. Yeah, not sure if that's good or bad. It's probably bad, probably an indication of my heart...acting all put together for the company and being a people-pleaser.
Anyway, thanks again for writing this. Love you!
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