Here is a project that I've been doing to have some adult time. It's the final artistic processing of the last year and a half: miscarriage, trying, new pregnancy, worries, trimesters, birth, and Ezra.
I'm submitting the painting for our next Thread Art Night at CrossPoint Green Lake on December 6th at 7pm. I hope that those of you in the area will come! It should be a really wonderful night of community art of all sorts. Those of you who enjoy The Round, art walks, and such will have a great time at this event. The theme: Anticipation.
The piece is titled Ruminations and attempts to capture the whirlwind of my thoughts and feelings during the time when I was just pregnant with Ezra and didn't know quite yet. That phase reminds me of the "already not yet" nature of our status in Christ. I knew that things would be alright in the end, but I didn't know the great gift (Ez in the belly!) that was already in place, just like we live in a very real reality of God's kingdom already on the earth. It's clouded and hidden from us by the fog and smear of sin. But, we carry in us a great joy in the Holy Spirit, just as I was already carrying the great future joy of Ezra's life in my body.
Those few months between Speck and Spud were the most formative of my spiritual life to date. I did ruminate constantly. My thoughts were always churning but not without great hope. The yellow swoop in the upper right is meant to be Heaven coming down to snatch up that little Speck because, as I like to think, God wanted her for himself in Heaven right away. Everything is his, so I'm glad my little baby is there with Him. I still think about her all the time. And, yeah, I call her her. Because I can, that's why. I love Ezra a smidge more than I would have if she hadn't come along first.
For those of you who won't get to see it up close. Below shows what the writing reads. Most of it is from a scrap of paper on which I jotted down some sad and frustrated thoughts back before Spud came to his watery home. I threw it away, but Brendan rescued it from the garbage. I'm glad he did. It's good to remember how you've felt and what God has led you through.
With all the good gifts I have,
I can't stop thinking about the one that is lost.
I want to be whole
but that would require a uterus that sticks and ovaries that work.
How can I stop thinking about the pieces of my first fruit left all over the city?
Hope. Fear. Wait.
The earth is the Lord's and everything in it.
I will always love you.
A great gift from the greatest Giver. Your mother tried to pray like Hannah. I have seen Him.
BONUS! Picture of my happy, skinny baby :)
6 comments:
i'm in tears. you are an artist and not just in the dancing sense. you have beautiful paintings all over your house that you made! i know it's kinda weird to be a self promoter, but art is just another way that God blesses us through each other. So thank you for showing us your painting and for letting us in. You've inspired me!
Love you and miss you lots! If I were there, we would paint together!
and ps--YAYYAYAYAY! for skinny baby boys! :)
You made me cry--again. This post reminds me of the words from the hymn you chose for your wedding: "for whether our tomorrows are filled with good or ill, we'll triumph through our sorrows, and rise to bless You still..." It's such a blessing to see you triumphing and praising God! The artwork looks beautiful. I enlarged the picture so I could see the words. Very creative and colorful like all your creations. You have a definite style of your own.
I love it Jess and I'm so proud of you. call me some nap time...we NEED to talk. Lot's going on in my little world that I'd love to share with you.
Jess, it's beautiful and significant. God has turned your mourning into...well...painting! Love you!
Thank you for sharing this with us!! I can't wait to see it at Art Night.
Great Ezra pic, I love how it looks like he's waving to his adoring fans. :)
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